KEVIN O'FLYNN, MOSCOW
HOW TO GET AHEAD IN GOVERNMENT
Did you see the cat with four ears? No. What were you talking about these last weeks then? August is always such a quiet month, isn't it?
Anyway about this cat, she's got four ears apparently and looks quite happy about it in all the pictures.
It almost cheered me up and then I read the story in the New York Times this week, "West Baffled by 2 Heads for Russian Government," and it gave me quite a turn.
This article talks of how "there is a sense of bewilderment in Washington about how to deal with what is now a two-headed government in Moscow."
Two heads equals four ears by my count.
Apparently, you speak to one, and it's all nice and cuddly and a few hours later you speak to another and it's prickly, awkward but somewhat magnetizing. But what do you expect if you go to the Duma and meet Vladimir Zhirinovsky and Lyubov Sliska.
Those naive people then went to meet those two who are never off television. Separately. And again how different they were. One is the nice young man you want to introduce to your mother and the other guy has your cat by all four ears and is threatening to throw him out of the window.
The NYT calls it the “good cop, bad cop” routine but it just reminded me of Zaphod Beeblebrox, the two headed character in The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
He was once a president too, although he had slightly more territory than even Russia has, what with being head of the galaxy, despite the two heads thing and only half a brain in each.
At one point he is asked by the hero of the Hitchhiker's Guide, Ford Prefect, "What's with the whole two-head thing?"
"Oh, yeah, apparently you can't be president with a whole brain," he answers.
As for those two. Well, we can't ask them to be from a planet near Betelgeuse as that would cause more trouble than its worth. Top secret meetings with government scientists, Mulder and Scully making a third X-files film (oh, the horror) and a rise on the market for sacrificial virgins (the normal breakfast on a planet near Betelgeuse).
But how about a bit of axial bifurcation. This is a non-alien malformation where another head and neck grows on a body. They could do with another neck, at least, as neither of them have one to speak of at the moment.
There are plenty of cases in nature, although the only axial bifurcation I can think of at the moment is the two headed rat at the City Museum in St Louis. That is sponsored by a drugs company now.
Of course once the state nanotechnology corporation gets up a running, one of the heads could be shrunk before it is added to the body politic.
I'm sure there is something in the constitution about whose head should be bigger. Otherwise, I'm sure they can decide between themselves.
Then they can ensure that there is always a consistent line.
"Russia is nice and cuddly."
"No, we're not. Hear me roar."
"Please like me."
"The fish does rot from the head, doesn't it? Shut it."
And so on…
There is of course a possibility that even that august paper of record didn't dare mention.
French president Nikolas Sarkozy apparently met the two separately, or did he? Perhaps they are already one and the headline is the NYT's way of letting the four eared cat/president out of the bag.
By the way, Zaphod gets round awkwardness on Earth by hiding his second head in a birdcage. Just a thought, just a thought.
Damn it, now I'm thinking of that film where Richard E Grant plays an ad executive with a boil on his neck which starts to grow into a head.
I must stop eating cheese at night. And stop watching the news.
Kevin O'Flynn, a British freelance journalist based in Moscow
August 22, 2008
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