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JOHN MARONE, KYIV
TRICK OR TREAT: UKRAINE’S PRESIDENTIAL ELECTIONS BEGIN
The Ukrainian presidential election campaign began on October 19 – just in time for Halloween. And in keeping with the haunting holiday spirit, all the contenders for the nation’s top job are looking spookier than ever. The candidates are not out to frighten voters, though. Instead, they want to scare each other with dirty tricks and outrageous PR, which will surely keep apace until the New Year, when voting is scheduled. As for treats, we can also expect to see a flurry of populist legislation, in addition to the usual local sweeteners such as the painting of park benches and delivery of free soap and buckwheat to pensioners.
Frankenstein’s monster: This larger-than-life character is leading the pack of colourfully dressed creeps hoping to win voter support. Yes, he’s big, but not nearly as scary as in 2004, when he held the presidency in his large clumsy hands like fragile child. Thankfully, the child democracy was rescued by the usual mob carrying (orange) torches that we have become accustomed to expect in all the Frankenstein films. Today, this giant enjoys at least a 10-point lead over his nearest opponent, but despite the billboard brush ups, he’s not nearly the monster he used to be. For one thing, the bolt sticking out of his neck and the prominent scar across his square visage just haven’t gone away. He’s the same collection of eastern industrial donations that he’s always been - a cast iron corpse, electrified back to life by a power-generating station of dubious ownership.
And although monsters aren’t generally vulnerable to ageing, this one has definitely put on a few wrinkles. It’s as if his creators were trying to squeeze the last bit of life out of their creation. But if the bouffant headed behemoth couldn’t hold on to the presidency the first time – not to mention the premiership – how can he be expected to do so five years down the road? It is one thing to break down castle doors or roam the countryside scaring peasants, but quite another to lead a nation.
The Wicked Witch of the West actually hails from eastern Ukraine. And, by the way, she was actually quite a looker until putting on weight a few years back. But as with all witches, the second strongest presidential candidate in the latest polls has a way of manipulating her looks. One minute, she resembles a wholesome milk maid, and the next – a sour side dish of curds. Although she recently ditched the braids, our witch is still all woman, at once seductive and severe.
Broom Hilda is equally adept at ditching men: Her first political consort is still serving jail time in the U.S., while another prince almost got turned into a toad as a result of dioxin poisoning. If these men were the victims of a spell, it was no doubt a spell conjured up by their own egos. Our witch is more interested in enchanting voters, which she can accomplish from the simplest of podiums. Populism is her most potent potion. This has earned her lots of enemies, men envious of her craft. Despite many a witch hunt, none have been able to burn her to a stake. She flies from Lviv to Lugansk on a gas-powered broom, and never seems out of place wherever she lands.
Next in our list of Halloween candidates – all far behind the top two in the polls - is Count Compromise, a silver-haired vampire who tries to suck blood from all sides of the political spectrum. His teeth aren’t as sharp as his tongue, but it’s his hair that really shines. Perched high in the halls of parliament, he is always ready to swoop down for a kill when the opportunity arises. He prefers, however, to hunt in the shadows, out of the public eye. Unlike our witch or monster, this Ukrainian politician never seems to age. Nor does he appear any closer to the presidency than the days when he headed the presidential administration. More than likely, he is happy being a count and making kings.
Lingering in the same poll range is another classic Halloween character –The Mummy. He’s so old that his wrappings were made in Czarist times. Yes, our mummy is a Communist, still wandering around the political stage in search of revolutionary spirit.
Behind him trail a line of pensioners, some brushing off the cob webs from their candidate. The mummy isn’t foolish enough to believe that he will become president; it’s just that he cannot afford a new costume on the campaign funding that he receives.
A fresher face at the Monster Ball is Casper the Friendly Ghost. Unfortunately for him, he doesn’t scare anyone. Being a translucent figure, Casper has been able to slip into virtually every hall of power over the last several years: the Parliament, Foreign Ministry and National Bank. The problem is that this time, he has to get elected, and most voters just see him as a plain white sheet with glasses. Now the hapless spook looks doomed to spend the rest of the election campaign haunting the country with his eerie billboards.
Then there is the Adam’s Family’s Uncle Fester: bald, bold and big mouthed. This man doesn’t need a Halloween costume. But he does need to stay in the political spotlight, and what better way to do so than running for president. Among his one-time claims to fame was traversing the streets of Kyiv in street cleaner. At the end of the day, it must be admitted that some people see trick or treat exclusively as means to collect free sweets.
Last and quite possibly least is The Prince-almost-turned toad mentioned above. If there is anything worse than someone who just wants to collect free sweets, it’s the guy who shows up at a masquerade without a costume. It’s as if our fallen prince thinks he’s above all the spectacular antics – the same antics that brought him to power. In reality, his time has passed, but the carnival of Ukrainian elections goes on.
John Marone, a columnist of Eurasian Home website, Kyiv, Ukraine
October 30, 2009
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